Dating & Mating: Thoughts on 'Being His Beyonce'

Get married. Pay for dates.Introduce her to his friends.Approach her.Let her know where he lives. Commit. Make long-term plans.Be affectionate.Be seen in public together.Be seen online together. Claim her. Propose.Give head. The actions listed above are just a prominent few of the many things I’ve heard… 1. Many women claim that—despite however many requests they’ve made—the men in their lives just aren’t interested in doing. …and… 2. Many men claim that they just don’t do.  - Damon Young (aka The Champ)

The above excerpt from a recent post (Be His Beyonce) this week by The Champ on the Very Smart Brothas blog proved very smart indeed, and got us over at The Gathered Lady buzzing. We’re very familiar with this list of desires, and way familiar with the fact that many men don’t seem interested in fulfilling them on principle, whether from personal experience or endless chat sessions with our friends. More interesting than The Champ’s synopsis of this issue, however, was his analysis. This very smart brotha copped to the fact that the “principles” that these modern men stand on are total bull. Total. Bull.

Furthermore, Champ advises us that instead of being “principled”, each man behaving this way is probably either consciously (or perhaps unconsciously) holding out for “His Beyonce” -- his ideal, bad-ass, undeniable, you-do-not-want-to-miss-this-woman WOMAN. Once a man finds a woman of this quality, this epic gatheredness, his focus becomes doing whatever he has to do to make this woman, this custom-made Beyonce...well, his. Ergo, the list above becomes a checklist of things this man is willing to do for you, should you require them.

Lastly, Champ says (rightly so) that each woman is some lucky man’s Beyonce just as she is without making any changes, having any makeovers, playing any games. Should you be looking for a man, there is a man that will be ecstatic to have you... out there, somewhere. So be a Beyonce. Avoid the heartache and pain of being someone’s Rihanna plaything, punching bag, jump-off, fling, or tragically, “the one before the one” when you really want to be the prize. 

Now, all this really got us talking and thinking.... and of course we had to share (so unselfish! Beyonce material!). We've come up with some gathered guidance to help any ladies ensure they are with a man who can’t believe his insane luck.

In keeping with The Champ's, well, champion metaphor.... 

So, clearly before Beyonce was the epically gathered Beyonce/Sasha Fierce, she was ⅓ of Destiny’s Child, and making songs about “No,No, No”; “Say My Name”, and later “Me, Myself, and I”.

1. Just because you are a fire woman, doesn’t mean you will inherently be treated like ‘Beyonce’ (epic gathered creature). Prime examples of this include Rihanna (Chris Brown), Halle Berry (Most of her ex’s), Jennifer Aniston (several ex’s) and the list can go on and on. Despite these women being successful, highly desired, beautiful, and talented people, they end up with le douche bags. How does this happen? It’s a two part situation. First, the men in question are emotionally ungathered. This can present in a variety of factors:

• physically abusive

• emotionally abusive

• commitment phobic

• cheater

• deep rooted emotional problems that need therapy and/or medication management

These emotionally ungathered men described above exist in droves and they are often single (surprise, surprise) and naturally, they may see the gold mine that you are and decide to get involved with you. This is where the madness begins. You can’t fix these problems. No really, you can’t.

2. The most important part of this situation is YOU SHOULD NOT PUT UP WITH THESE UNGATHERED PROBLEMS. (<-- The hard part. Because you have to believe you are worth Beyonce treatment and act accordingly.)

I love analogies. They take us out of our mental/emotional blind spots and into a parallel situation in which we can see more clearly. Example: If you are a rock star at your job, you could still end up being not promoted, under-paid, micro managed,  yelled at, mistreated, sexually harassed or verbally abused IF YOU HAVE A HORRIBLE MANAGER. In this situation, everyone knows not to internalize their professional worth when you clearly have a psycho boss. The obvious thing to do is leave the job and find a boss who appreciates you and your numerous assets. And you feel appreciated when the new boss’s ACTIONS line up (good pay, benefits, support, respect, good communication, effort to retain you, etc) …. Now, take that logic and apply it to your dating relationships (a romantic partner is by no means a boss, they are a partner, but you get the drift). Emotionally ungathered men are effectively the horrible bosses of this analogy. They are wack and you could easily find yourself working with one. The length of time is entirely up to you (they tend to present their ungathered symptoms early and often).  Don’t let matters of the heart, or even worse matters of being sex-whipped, cloud your vision.

3. Now, I know what you're saying... it's not that simple; those are extreme cases. It can't always be that easy. True. The other ungathered behavior in a partnership comes from you, when you lose sight of your inner Beyonce and downgrade yourself. What are the less obvious ways that you can downgrade yourself? Some of the following behaviors can contribute to people not recognizing your worth:

• being emotionally ungathered yourself and acting like a psycho

• being “cool” and “not tripping”  by never stating what you clearly want, expect, and deserve

• being afraid of being alone. If you can’t hang with yourself, by yourself, then why should he?

• constantly sexually objectifying yourself when you desire a relationship (a person engaging in sex without deeper emotional/relational expectations being fulfilled), then being confused when your are constantly being sexually objectified (he only wants you for sex)

• being hostile and playing games when you aren’t treated well (unnecessary- just cut them loose)

• resorting to manipulation or bait & switch behaviors to try and win a relationship (read what women want, versus what we say and think we want)

• being obsessed with “finding a man” and attributing too much personal value into whether or not someone is in your face. Boo.

So in conclusion: Just because you are gathered doesn’t mean someone isn’t going to try to treat you like crap (See music video below). It’s real in these streets. Don’t internalize it or analyze it. In fact, just don’t put up with it. The art of being someone’s 'epic gathered creature' is to already be a gathered lady, aware of her value, open to positive dating opportunities, and completely comfortable with rejecting unsavory and ungathered behaviors.  

Now if you’re wondering, “How do I get gathered?”.... Keep reading  our posts!

- Bree & Danni

Dating & Mating: How To Make Yourself More Attractive

So our friend Jackie shared a interesting video on the science of beauty. Yes, there's a science to it! Quite fascinating to ponder the math and science of your face, but how does that translate into what a regular woman can do to increase the recognition of her beauty? I've scoured lots of research and articles, and combined that info with my own personal findings.  Here are the easiest and most essential tips to help out! Share your thoughts on the video!

• Figure out your best haircut and hair colour for your face. Don't know? Ask your friends, ask some men, ask a professional. Too afraid to cut or change your hair? Try on wigs and take pictures, then share the pic collage with close friends and ask them to vote. This way you'll notice which styles draw the most attention.

• Get your skin clear. This is a sign of health. Buy a moisturizer for day (with spf 15 at least) and night and apply religiously. Hydrated skin is happy skin.
• Look well groomed. Being neat is more appealing than being trendy. Nobody is attracted to sloppy or disheveled attire.
• Enhance your eyes and lips. Make your lashes bold. I recommend a mascara with fibers for additional length like Loreal Million Lashes.  For your lips- try lipstick (not just a nude or pink tone). There is plenty of research that shows men are attracted to red lips!
• Get healthy. Again, the health part is important. Health is not only fitness and figure related, but it's mostly about good self-care and wellness. You know when you're on your health game and when you're not, so I won't preach. But I will say: water, fruits & veggies, plenty of sleep, get an outlet for stress (exercise, a hobby, a pet, a club, etc.)

Simple right? Now all you have to do is keep your personal style on point and you're a knockout. Try reading What to wear on a first date, and other Dating & Mating articles! Click on the tag "dating" for more articles!

Update on Wed, February 4, 2015 at 4:42PM by The Gathered Lady

In Our reboot of this fabulous blog we're reposting all the juicy articles you may need to re-read! Here's our first one!

Dating & Mating: How to dress on a first date

I'll let you in on a secret: I'm single. Yes, I know what you're thinking. "Not you Bree! How is this possible?!" I too have these same thoughts, lol. Regardless of the reasons, I have my freedom papers and am enjoying my new found singlehood, which includes many dates. Tempering that excitement is the anxiety of trying to figure out what to wear on a first date. So, I've decided to share my in-depth research and interesting findings.  After reading popular magazines, asking women and girlfriends... I then chucked that info. I figured I'd ask who mattered most- the types of men I wanted to date. Gathered men! So I'll share my findings about what creates the best impressions in gathered men's minds regarding first dates. Here are some general rules to follow:

• Don't dress for women, i.e. Super trendy, intimidating fashion (heel-less shoes, channeling your inner beyonce/lady gaga diva outfits). A good rule of thumb is: imagine or ask your girlfriend's reaction to your outfit when she first sees you. If she screams "Fierce! Work! Beat! Diva! or any other Zoolander terms- it's too much for a date. Good words are "super cute, pretty, beautiful, lovely, good/great, even "hot" is okay.
• Less is more: make-up should be simple and not complicated (no rainbow eye shadow). focus on one facial feature to enhance (lips- vs- eyes). You don't want red lips and dark smoky Cleopatra eyes.
• Grooming is everything. There's a reason Outkast made a whole song about being "So fresh and So Clean". Remember the small details: neat manicure and pedicure, arched eyebrows, moisturized skin, clean hair. Basic stuff. (also see Back to Basics Pt. 1 and 1.5)
• Take the sex appeal between a 6 and 7 on the sexy scale. A Zero would be a muu muu or shapeless jogging suit. A 10 would be a heavy cleavage, leg and thighs exposed, and form fitting to your hips and butt, thus showing all your lady lumps. You want intrigue and suggestion, not a huge red light district sign.
• Aim to show 40 percent of your body. Studies show this yields the most male reaction and attention. Again, the point is suggestion. A first date outfit is like a movie trailer. How, you ask? Well, everyone hates when a movie trailer shows too many action scenes or funny jokes. It makes the movie lose it's luster and you wonder if the movie has any substance beyond all the flashy spoilers. A man will still  try to see the movie, but he may wait for redbox instead of choosing the box office opening weekend $14 ticket. You are worth opening night behavior!
• Stay prepared (See 7 items for your clutch). Bring a jacket of some sort. You won't ever regret it. And if it's too hot, he can hold it for you. That's what gathered gentleman do.

Keep in mind that these are first date options, which are about impressions and set how he unconsciously thinks and behaves with you. Once you snag him as your exclusive man or husband, then you can go crazy and walk around in your muu muu or head to toe animal print catsuits! Just kidding, stay calm and dress gathered. Here are some examples of good date outfits:

Date Option 1:  Lunch date, Movie date, Casual Date

This look is perfect for dating in your 20's. Generally the tone of the date is casual, won't include active movement or sports, and may not cost big bucks. This look conveys femininity without pretentiousness. The dress can be in any color, and is flattering on most body types. The shoes have sex appeal without the intimidation or discomfort of a full on high heel. The purse can be easily carried  across the body if you take a scenic walk.

Date Option 2: Live music concert, Art walk or show 

 This look screams "I'm cool." Which you obviously are. The top is a sexy combination of leather and exposed decolletage. The jeans balance the top, but shows peeps of leg. The shrug is sheer. The suggestion factor is high on this outfit. The shoe is great for walking or standing long periods of time (thick heel, less than 3 inches, toes covered in case of concert misstep). 

Date option 3: Park Picnic, Flea Market, Beach, Outdoor activity

 Have I mentioned my love of rompers and playsuits? If I haven't let me shout if from the rooftops! They can be extremely versatile and stylish. They eliminate having to match pieces. The cuteness of a dress, with the flexibility of shorts. Le awesome. Men find these appealing because they have a youthful charm and show lots of leg. Make sure it's a good fit (not too tight or baggy) in order to keep the sexy in target zone. I paired this with a natural make-up like NARS orgasm blush and simple accessories. 

Date Option 4: Cocktail event, Fancy dinner date, Theatre

 These dresses are prime examples of the 40% law of attractiveness. Shoulder action combined with some leg display is ideal. I've tested this theory out many times, it works. Opting for a body conscious fit pushes it higher on the sex appeal scale, so covering cleavage is important. The middle look is a an awesome plus size choice. Make sure you use proper supportive undergarments to make these look flawless. Simple jewelry, strappy heels, and signature clutches make these looks chic and sexy. 

Do you have a first date that doesn't fit into these categories? Need help? Write us at thegatheredlady@gmail.com and we'll help you figure out great styling for a first date. Do you have pictures of your first date outfit that rocks? Email or tag us on facebook, twitter, or instagram @Thegatheredlady and if we like it, we'll share it!

Weekly Poll: Cheaters Never Prosper?

Have you ever found out someone was cheating on you or someone else? Recently a friend asked for my advice, but apparently many don't agree with my methods. What do you think is the best option? 

Dating & Mating: Gathered Man's Guide to a Date

 "A date is: when a man plans a FUTURE event, calls to ask and confirm, pays, and is at a location that is NOT his home. #getgathered" 

The above tweet was liked and retweeted many times over because it is truth. Here is a dummy-proof step by step guide that is printer friendly and can be carried in your wallet should you forget. Follow this to enter a gathered girls heart or her panties. Preferably her heart, but hell if you are just after one thing, at least let her and you enjoy the ride. pun intended. ;) See handy flow chart to follow if you are unsure!

By Thegatheredla (SelectSmart.com)

Is this a Good First Date? Am I a Gathered Man when it comes to dating?
#1) Is she aware that you want to go out because you are physically/romantically interested in her?	YES	#2) Have you researched/planned an activity to do together? (At least 2 choices)	YES	Is there food/drink options? (Coffee, cocktails, appetizers, meals all count)	YES	#3) Have you discussed the options/plans with date?	NO	Don't be last minute. You're trippin. She is a hot busy lady and is not sitting around waiting on you. Women don't like tepid men.
NO		NO	NO			YES
You are in the friend zone. This may not be a date in her head.		Don't be lazy/cheap. You are showing you are not mature and that you're ungathered.		She may think you are flaking and that she is not important to you. Women don't like tepid men.	NO	#4) Called to confirm 1-3 days before date night? #5) Then Call/Text to confirm day of date?	YES	#6) Did you meet at designated time and place?
							NO	YES
						Apologize. Try not to be on CPT.		#7) Is she enjoying your company?
							YES	NO
#10) Go home, See her safely home, or confirm that she gets home.	YES	#9)Collect your hug/kiss/affection.	YES	#9) You thanked her time/mention seeing her again soon.	YES	#8) You paid for the date?		Top 3 reasons she's not: 1. you are not being chivalrous/respectful. This sets the tone for the date. 2. inappropriate talking topics 3. being fake/cocky
YES	NO		NO	NO		NO
You rock. Awesome date. You're officially a gathered dater. Repeat this cycle at least twice before varying. www.thegatheredla.com		Come on, that final touch seals the deal. If she's at your house (winner winner chicken dinner), then don't jump on her like a hungry lion. Take it slow.		She will be confused if you are still interested in her. She may friend zone you. Be Assertive. Women don't like tepid men.		WTF?! dutch= friend zone. Don't you dare expect a kiss or some booty. jerk.

 Printer Friendly:

1. Inform her that you would like to: take her out, go on a date, go to ____ together,
2. Research and Plan 2-3 options of things you would like to do that are not in your or her home/apt/car. Typically this plan includes an interesting activity and some form of food and beverage.
3. Discuss researched options and agree on time and place
4. Call her to chat and confirm 1 to 3 days before designated day
5. Call her day of date. Text may be accepted provided that steps 1-4 have occurred.
6. Meet at designated time and place
7. Enjoy her company
8. Pay for date
9. Thank her for time, mention seeing her again, wish her a good night, hug and/or kiss as appropriate, take your ass home.
10. repeat cycle at least 2 more times before varying.