Dating & Mating: 7 Warning Signs You Need Couples Counseling!

Our relationships are important to us. They're the corner stones of our support system- at least they should be. That's until our relationships become the main source of our stress and problems. You obviously care about this person and situation, otherwise you wouldn't be reading! Fight for yourself and your relationship-- you're worth it. Regardless of the outcome, couples counseling can be beneficial. Every relationship isn't guaranteed or supposed to last, but I'm an advocate of at least exploring and trying to solve the problems that stop us of from having the fulfilling and loving relationship every person desires and deserves. Here are classic signs that it may be time to pull in a professional:

1. Poor communication and secrets: You two can't seem to talk calmly, with mutual respect, and without feeling apprehensive, mistrustful, judged, criticized, yelled at, name called, or irritated. If you're unable to tell your partner important thoughts and/or withhold information and actions, this type of secretive behavior only erodes trust and hurts relationships.
2. Constant fighting: Multiple fights during a week is excessive. Even one fight per week isn't necessarily healthy. Experts say you need 7 positive interactions per one negative interaction to still maintain loving conditions for communication and ideal emotional health. If you're fighting constantly, it certainty doesn't help your relationship feel safe or pleasant.
3. Apathy and shutting down: Does it seem like one or both of you is disengaged and would rather escape through work, tv, music, alcohol, friends, or isolation rather than talking and engaging with your significant other? These shutting down and stonewalling behaviors can create further gaps in your love life.
4. Decreased sex and withholding affection: Sometimes modern life can be so busy one may think "Who has time for sex? Not me or anyone I can think of". That's a very false assumption and possible scapegoat for underlying problems. Healthy couples desire to and engage in regular amounts of sex. (whatever amount is common and normal for your relationship prior to problems). Worse than lack of sex is withholding affection. Loving gestures and words add to intimacy, which is equally, if not more essential than actual sex. Both men and women need affection from their partners to feel loved and desired.
5. Avoiding going home and phone conversations: The feeling of wanting to go to happy hour, shopping time, golf time, boys night, etc instead of heading home or calling your significant other is a red light. When a relationship is healthy, one should seek out the comfort of a spouse or partner, not avoid it.
6. Dragging family and friends into problems: The need to pull in a third person as mediator or an ally is an absolute attempt to stabilize your relationship. However, our friends and family are often ill-equipped and biased to help us effectively. Not to mention it burns out your other support systems and can cause resentment as well as mistrust in your relationship with your love.
7. Flirting and Fantasizing about single life: Our eyes never stop working, we can see attractive people and admire them in passing; However, regular fantasizing and flirting is not harmless and is an indicator of a lack of fulfillment in your relationship. These behaviors unchecked can lead to unconscious and eventually purposeful boundary crossing.

Do you think you have one or multiple signs of needing counseling? Reach out to a qualified professional for a consultation.  Not all couples are suitable for dating coaching or counseling. In cases where domestic violence, abuse, addiction or other severe mental health conditions are present, it may be better to address individual and safety concerns first.

Dating & Mating: Thoughts on 'Being His Beyonce'

Get married. Pay for dates.Introduce her to his friends.Approach her.Let her know where he lives. Commit. Make long-term plans.Be affectionate.Be seen in public together.Be seen online together. Claim her. Propose.Give head. The actions listed above are just a prominent few of the many things I’ve heard… 1. Many women claim that—despite however many requests they’ve made—the men in their lives just aren’t interested in doing. …and… 2. Many men claim that they just don’t do.  - Damon Young (aka The Champ)

The above excerpt from a recent post (Be His Beyonce) this week by The Champ on the Very Smart Brothas blog proved very smart indeed, and got us over at The Gathered Lady buzzing. We’re very familiar with this list of desires, and way familiar with the fact that many men don’t seem interested in fulfilling them on principle, whether from personal experience or endless chat sessions with our friends. More interesting than The Champ’s synopsis of this issue, however, was his analysis. This very smart brotha copped to the fact that the “principles” that these modern men stand on are total bull. Total. Bull.

Furthermore, Champ advises us that instead of being “principled”, each man behaving this way is probably either consciously (or perhaps unconsciously) holding out for “His Beyonce” -- his ideal, bad-ass, undeniable, you-do-not-want-to-miss-this-woman WOMAN. Once a man finds a woman of this quality, this epic gatheredness, his focus becomes doing whatever he has to do to make this woman, this custom-made Beyonce...well, his. Ergo, the list above becomes a checklist of things this man is willing to do for you, should you require them.

Lastly, Champ says (rightly so) that each woman is some lucky man’s Beyonce just as she is without making any changes, having any makeovers, playing any games. Should you be looking for a man, there is a man that will be ecstatic to have you... out there, somewhere. So be a Beyonce. Avoid the heartache and pain of being someone’s Rihanna plaything, punching bag, jump-off, fling, or tragically, “the one before the one” when you really want to be the prize. 

Now, all this really got us talking and thinking.... and of course we had to share (so unselfish! Beyonce material!). We've come up with some gathered guidance to help any ladies ensure they are with a man who can’t believe his insane luck.

In keeping with The Champ's, well, champion metaphor.... 

So, clearly before Beyonce was the epically gathered Beyonce/Sasha Fierce, she was ⅓ of Destiny’s Child, and making songs about “No,No, No”; “Say My Name”, and later “Me, Myself, and I”.

1. Just because you are a fire woman, doesn’t mean you will inherently be treated like ‘Beyonce’ (epic gathered creature). Prime examples of this include Rihanna (Chris Brown), Halle Berry (Most of her ex’s), Jennifer Aniston (several ex’s) and the list can go on and on. Despite these women being successful, highly desired, beautiful, and talented people, they end up with le douche bags. How does this happen? It’s a two part situation. First, the men in question are emotionally ungathered. This can present in a variety of factors:

• physically abusive

• emotionally abusive

• commitment phobic

• cheater

• deep rooted emotional problems that need therapy and/or medication management

These emotionally ungathered men described above exist in droves and they are often single (surprise, surprise) and naturally, they may see the gold mine that you are and decide to get involved with you. This is where the madness begins. You can’t fix these problems. No really, you can’t.

2. The most important part of this situation is YOU SHOULD NOT PUT UP WITH THESE UNGATHERED PROBLEMS. (<-- The hard part. Because you have to believe you are worth Beyonce treatment and act accordingly.)

I love analogies. They take us out of our mental/emotional blind spots and into a parallel situation in which we can see more clearly. Example: If you are a rock star at your job, you could still end up being not promoted, under-paid, micro managed,  yelled at, mistreated, sexually harassed or verbally abused IF YOU HAVE A HORRIBLE MANAGER. In this situation, everyone knows not to internalize their professional worth when you clearly have a psycho boss. The obvious thing to do is leave the job and find a boss who appreciates you and your numerous assets. And you feel appreciated when the new boss’s ACTIONS line up (good pay, benefits, support, respect, good communication, effort to retain you, etc) …. Now, take that logic and apply it to your dating relationships (a romantic partner is by no means a boss, they are a partner, but you get the drift). Emotionally ungathered men are effectively the horrible bosses of this analogy. They are wack and you could easily find yourself working with one. The length of time is entirely up to you (they tend to present their ungathered symptoms early and often).  Don’t let matters of the heart, or even worse matters of being sex-whipped, cloud your vision.

3. Now, I know what you're saying... it's not that simple; those are extreme cases. It can't always be that easy. True. The other ungathered behavior in a partnership comes from you, when you lose sight of your inner Beyonce and downgrade yourself. What are the less obvious ways that you can downgrade yourself? Some of the following behaviors can contribute to people not recognizing your worth:

• being emotionally ungathered yourself and acting like a psycho

• being “cool” and “not tripping”  by never stating what you clearly want, expect, and deserve

• being afraid of being alone. If you can’t hang with yourself, by yourself, then why should he?

• constantly sexually objectifying yourself when you desire a relationship (a person engaging in sex without deeper emotional/relational expectations being fulfilled), then being confused when your are constantly being sexually objectified (he only wants you for sex)

• being hostile and playing games when you aren’t treated well (unnecessary- just cut them loose)

• resorting to manipulation or bait & switch behaviors to try and win a relationship (read what women want, versus what we say and think we want)

• being obsessed with “finding a man” and attributing too much personal value into whether or not someone is in your face. Boo.

So in conclusion: Just because you are gathered doesn’t mean someone isn’t going to try to treat you like crap (See music video below). It’s real in these streets. Don’t internalize it or analyze it. In fact, just don’t put up with it. The art of being someone’s 'epic gathered creature' is to already be a gathered lady, aware of her value, open to positive dating opportunities, and completely comfortable with rejecting unsavory and ungathered behaviors.  

Now if you’re wondering, “How do I get gathered?”.... Keep reading  our posts!

- Bree & Danni

Dating & Mating: Gathered Man's Guide to a Date

 "A date is: when a man plans a FUTURE event, calls to ask and confirm, pays, and is at a location that is NOT his home. #getgathered" 

The above tweet was liked and retweeted many times over because it is truth. Here is a dummy-proof step by step guide that is printer friendly and can be carried in your wallet should you forget. Follow this to enter a gathered girls heart or her panties. Preferably her heart, but hell if you are just after one thing, at least let her and you enjoy the ride. pun intended. ;) See handy flow chart to follow if you are unsure!

By Thegatheredla (SelectSmart.com)

Is this a Good First Date? Am I a Gathered Man when it comes to dating?
#1) Is she aware that you want to go out because you are physically/romantically interested in her?	YES	#2) Have you researched/planned an activity to do together? (At least 2 choices)	YES	Is there food/drink options? (Coffee, cocktails, appetizers, meals all count)	YES	#3) Have you discussed the options/plans with date?	NO	Don't be last minute. You're trippin. She is a hot busy lady and is not sitting around waiting on you. Women don't like tepid men.
NO		NO	NO			YES
You are in the friend zone. This may not be a date in her head.		Don't be lazy/cheap. You are showing you are not mature and that you're ungathered.		She may think you are flaking and that she is not important to you. Women don't like tepid men.	NO	#4) Called to confirm 1-3 days before date night? #5) Then Call/Text to confirm day of date?	YES	#6) Did you meet at designated time and place?
							NO	YES
						Apologize. Try not to be on CPT.		#7) Is she enjoying your company?
							YES	NO
#10) Go home, See her safely home, or confirm that she gets home.	YES	#9)Collect your hug/kiss/affection.	YES	#9) You thanked her time/mention seeing her again soon.	YES	#8) You paid for the date?		Top 3 reasons she's not: 1. you are not being chivalrous/respectful. This sets the tone for the date. 2. inappropriate talking topics 3. being fake/cocky
YES	NO		NO	NO		NO
You rock. Awesome date. You're officially a gathered dater. Repeat this cycle at least twice before varying. www.thegatheredla.com		Come on, that final touch seals the deal. If she's at your house (winner winner chicken dinner), then don't jump on her like a hungry lion. Take it slow.		She will be confused if you are still interested in her. She may friend zone you. Be Assertive. Women don't like tepid men.		WTF?! dutch= friend zone. Don't you dare expect a kiss or some booty. jerk.

 Printer Friendly:

1. Inform her that you would like to: take her out, go on a date, go to ____ together,
2. Research and Plan 2-3 options of things you would like to do that are not in your or her home/apt/car. Typically this plan includes an interesting activity and some form of food and beverage.
3. Discuss researched options and agree on time and place
4. Call her to chat and confirm 1 to 3 days before designated day
5. Call her day of date. Text may be accepted provided that steps 1-4 have occurred.
6. Meet at designated time and place
7. Enjoy her company
8. Pay for date
9. Thank her for time, mention seeing her again, wish her a good night, hug and/or kiss as appropriate, take your ass home.
10. repeat cycle at least 2 more times before varying.

 

Dating & Mating: What women want vs what we say and think we want

Any single black sophisticated woman can tell you the dating game is a beast. Why? We all know the same run down facts in relation to black men and women. I.E. high rates of incarceration, education disparity between gender, poverty, thug culture, "DL" brothas, male laziness and unwillingness to commit, blah blah blah. You get it. Poor us.  Based on media portrayal we're an angry mob of undesirable woman desperately searching for the love of black men like waif peasant children in Slum Dog Millionaire. So thirsty.

Now take all of that doomsday prophecy and trash it. Seriously, it won't help you. I can't answer for you, but neither my friends nor I am suffering from a lack of men trying to "holla."  The truth is we all have options. Open those pretty eyes! Men are half of the damn world. So clearly they are plentiful. Here's the real question:

There are plenty of options, but are those options reasonable for you? In my experience, gathered women are not overly excited about people "hollering" at them. We want dates, boyfriends, fiancés, husbands, future fathers, life partners. Preferably in that order.

I am well aware that it's 2012, and maybe that list sounds suspiciously traditional. But in my professional experience (Marriage and Family Therapy) as well as personal observations, I find that modern day singles are playing a backdoor game. You see, we've all learned that proclaiming you want something traditional may have negative consequences: less immediate dating options in your early 20's, being labeled lame, outdated, unevolved, close-minded, etc. And because we are gathered, we tend to have psychological pain at being called unevolved and close-minded. This is where people fool themselves. We learn: "If I say I'm cool with just being friends, having uncommitted sex, not pressuring for a relationship, letting it be what it is, not tripping on a title, etc (the idea is the same under many facades), then later, once he realizes how bomb I am, he will step up and give me what I REALLY want: a commitment (which is none of what I've been saying to him). Huh? Yeah, that's how many of us play ourselves.  Let's stop this madness. Most men I've seen don't like the 1-2 switch. Lying to yourself and your potential mate (unintentional or not) complicates things and either delays or halts your real end game. Seriously ask yourself: Are you as content with revolutionary dating practices and their outcomes as you claim?