Dating & Mating: Thoughts on 'Being His Beyonce'

Get married. Pay for dates.Introduce her to his friends.Approach her.Let her know where he lives. Commit. Make long-term plans.Be affectionate.Be seen in public together.Be seen online together. Claim her. Propose.Give head. The actions listed above are just a prominent few of the many things I’ve heard… 1. Many women claim that—despite however many requests they’ve made—the men in their lives just aren’t interested in doing. …and… 2. Many men claim that they just don’t do.  - Damon Young (aka The Champ)

The above excerpt from a recent post (Be His Beyonce) this week by The Champ on the Very Smart Brothas blog proved very smart indeed, and got us over at The Gathered Lady buzzing. We’re very familiar with this list of desires, and way familiar with the fact that many men don’t seem interested in fulfilling them on principle, whether from personal experience or endless chat sessions with our friends. More interesting than The Champ’s synopsis of this issue, however, was his analysis. This very smart brotha copped to the fact that the “principles” that these modern men stand on are total bull. Total. Bull.

Furthermore, Champ advises us that instead of being “principled”, each man behaving this way is probably either consciously (or perhaps unconsciously) holding out for “His Beyonce” -- his ideal, bad-ass, undeniable, you-do-not-want-to-miss-this-woman WOMAN. Once a man finds a woman of this quality, this epic gatheredness, his focus becomes doing whatever he has to do to make this woman, this custom-made Beyonce...well, his. Ergo, the list above becomes a checklist of things this man is willing to do for you, should you require them.

Lastly, Champ says (rightly so) that each woman is some lucky man’s Beyonce just as she is without making any changes, having any makeovers, playing any games. Should you be looking for a man, there is a man that will be ecstatic to have you... out there, somewhere. So be a Beyonce. Avoid the heartache and pain of being someone’s Rihanna plaything, punching bag, jump-off, fling, or tragically, “the one before the one” when you really want to be the prize. 

Now, all this really got us talking and thinking.... and of course we had to share (so unselfish! Beyonce material!). We've come up with some gathered guidance to help any ladies ensure they are with a man who can’t believe his insane luck.

In keeping with The Champ's, well, champion metaphor.... 

So, clearly before Beyonce was the epically gathered Beyonce/Sasha Fierce, she was ⅓ of Destiny’s Child, and making songs about “No,No, No”; “Say My Name”, and later “Me, Myself, and I”.

1. Just because you are a fire woman, doesn’t mean you will inherently be treated like ‘Beyonce’ (epic gathered creature). Prime examples of this include Rihanna (Chris Brown), Halle Berry (Most of her ex’s), Jennifer Aniston (several ex’s) and the list can go on and on. Despite these women being successful, highly desired, beautiful, and talented people, they end up with le douche bags. How does this happen? It’s a two part situation. First, the men in question are emotionally ungathered. This can present in a variety of factors:

• physically abusive

• emotionally abusive

• commitment phobic

• cheater

• deep rooted emotional problems that need therapy and/or medication management

These emotionally ungathered men described above exist in droves and they are often single (surprise, surprise) and naturally, they may see the gold mine that you are and decide to get involved with you. This is where the madness begins. You can’t fix these problems. No really, you can’t.

2. The most important part of this situation is YOU SHOULD NOT PUT UP WITH THESE UNGATHERED PROBLEMS. (<-- The hard part. Because you have to believe you are worth Beyonce treatment and act accordingly.)

I love analogies. They take us out of our mental/emotional blind spots and into a parallel situation in which we can see more clearly. Example: If you are a rock star at your job, you could still end up being not promoted, under-paid, micro managed,  yelled at, mistreated, sexually harassed or verbally abused IF YOU HAVE A HORRIBLE MANAGER. In this situation, everyone knows not to internalize their professional worth when you clearly have a psycho boss. The obvious thing to do is leave the job and find a boss who appreciates you and your numerous assets. And you feel appreciated when the new boss’s ACTIONS line up (good pay, benefits, support, respect, good communication, effort to retain you, etc) …. Now, take that logic and apply it to your dating relationships (a romantic partner is by no means a boss, they are a partner, but you get the drift). Emotionally ungathered men are effectively the horrible bosses of this analogy. They are wack and you could easily find yourself working with one. The length of time is entirely up to you (they tend to present their ungathered symptoms early and often).  Don’t let matters of the heart, or even worse matters of being sex-whipped, cloud your vision.

3. Now, I know what you're saying... it's not that simple; those are extreme cases. It can't always be that easy. True. The other ungathered behavior in a partnership comes from you, when you lose sight of your inner Beyonce and downgrade yourself. What are the less obvious ways that you can downgrade yourself? Some of the following behaviors can contribute to people not recognizing your worth:

• being emotionally ungathered yourself and acting like a psycho

• being “cool” and “not tripping”  by never stating what you clearly want, expect, and deserve

• being afraid of being alone. If you can’t hang with yourself, by yourself, then why should he?

• constantly sexually objectifying yourself when you desire a relationship (a person engaging in sex without deeper emotional/relational expectations being fulfilled), then being confused when your are constantly being sexually objectified (he only wants you for sex)

• being hostile and playing games when you aren’t treated well (unnecessary- just cut them loose)

• resorting to manipulation or bait & switch behaviors to try and win a relationship (read what women want, versus what we say and think we want)

• being obsessed with “finding a man” and attributing too much personal value into whether or not someone is in your face. Boo.

So in conclusion: Just because you are gathered doesn’t mean someone isn’t going to try to treat you like crap (See music video below). It’s real in these streets. Don’t internalize it or analyze it. In fact, just don’t put up with it. The art of being someone’s 'epic gathered creature' is to already be a gathered lady, aware of her value, open to positive dating opportunities, and completely comfortable with rejecting unsavory and ungathered behaviors.  

Now if you’re wondering, “How do I get gathered?”.... Keep reading  our posts!

- Bree & Danni