Dating & Mating: Thoughts on 'Being His Beyonce'

Get married. Pay for dates.Introduce her to his friends.Approach her.Let her know where he lives. Commit. Make long-term plans.Be affectionate.Be seen in public together.Be seen online together. Claim her. Propose.Give head. The actions listed above are just a prominent few of the many things I’ve heard… 1. Many women claim that—despite however many requests they’ve made—the men in their lives just aren’t interested in doing. …and… 2. Many men claim that they just don’t do.  - Damon Young (aka The Champ)

The above excerpt from a recent post (Be His Beyonce) this week by The Champ on the Very Smart Brothas blog proved very smart indeed, and got us over at The Gathered Lady buzzing. We’re very familiar with this list of desires, and way familiar with the fact that many men don’t seem interested in fulfilling them on principle, whether from personal experience or endless chat sessions with our friends. More interesting than The Champ’s synopsis of this issue, however, was his analysis. This very smart brotha copped to the fact that the “principles” that these modern men stand on are total bull. Total. Bull.

Furthermore, Champ advises us that instead of being “principled”, each man behaving this way is probably either consciously (or perhaps unconsciously) holding out for “His Beyonce” -- his ideal, bad-ass, undeniable, you-do-not-want-to-miss-this-woman WOMAN. Once a man finds a woman of this quality, this epic gatheredness, his focus becomes doing whatever he has to do to make this woman, this custom-made Beyonce...well, his. Ergo, the list above becomes a checklist of things this man is willing to do for you, should you require them.

Lastly, Champ says (rightly so) that each woman is some lucky man’s Beyonce just as she is without making any changes, having any makeovers, playing any games. Should you be looking for a man, there is a man that will be ecstatic to have you... out there, somewhere. So be a Beyonce. Avoid the heartache and pain of being someone’s Rihanna plaything, punching bag, jump-off, fling, or tragically, “the one before the one” when you really want to be the prize. 

Now, all this really got us talking and thinking.... and of course we had to share (so unselfish! Beyonce material!). We've come up with some gathered guidance to help any ladies ensure they are with a man who can’t believe his insane luck.

In keeping with The Champ's, well, champion metaphor.... 

So, clearly before Beyonce was the epically gathered Beyonce/Sasha Fierce, she was ⅓ of Destiny’s Child, and making songs about “No,No, No”; “Say My Name”, and later “Me, Myself, and I”.

1. Just because you are a fire woman, doesn’t mean you will inherently be treated like ‘Beyonce’ (epic gathered creature). Prime examples of this include Rihanna (Chris Brown), Halle Berry (Most of her ex’s), Jennifer Aniston (several ex’s) and the list can go on and on. Despite these women being successful, highly desired, beautiful, and talented people, they end up with le douche bags. How does this happen? It’s a two part situation. First, the men in question are emotionally ungathered. This can present in a variety of factors:

• physically abusive

• emotionally abusive

• commitment phobic

• cheater

• deep rooted emotional problems that need therapy and/or medication management

These emotionally ungathered men described above exist in droves and they are often single (surprise, surprise) and naturally, they may see the gold mine that you are and decide to get involved with you. This is where the madness begins. You can’t fix these problems. No really, you can’t.

2. The most important part of this situation is YOU SHOULD NOT PUT UP WITH THESE UNGATHERED PROBLEMS. (<-- The hard part. Because you have to believe you are worth Beyonce treatment and act accordingly.)

I love analogies. They take us out of our mental/emotional blind spots and into a parallel situation in which we can see more clearly. Example: If you are a rock star at your job, you could still end up being not promoted, under-paid, micro managed,  yelled at, mistreated, sexually harassed or verbally abused IF YOU HAVE A HORRIBLE MANAGER. In this situation, everyone knows not to internalize their professional worth when you clearly have a psycho boss. The obvious thing to do is leave the job and find a boss who appreciates you and your numerous assets. And you feel appreciated when the new boss’s ACTIONS line up (good pay, benefits, support, respect, good communication, effort to retain you, etc) …. Now, take that logic and apply it to your dating relationships (a romantic partner is by no means a boss, they are a partner, but you get the drift). Emotionally ungathered men are effectively the horrible bosses of this analogy. They are wack and you could easily find yourself working with one. The length of time is entirely up to you (they tend to present their ungathered symptoms early and often).  Don’t let matters of the heart, or even worse matters of being sex-whipped, cloud your vision.

3. Now, I know what you're saying... it's not that simple; those are extreme cases. It can't always be that easy. True. The other ungathered behavior in a partnership comes from you, when you lose sight of your inner Beyonce and downgrade yourself. What are the less obvious ways that you can downgrade yourself? Some of the following behaviors can contribute to people not recognizing your worth:

• being emotionally ungathered yourself and acting like a psycho

• being “cool” and “not tripping”  by never stating what you clearly want, expect, and deserve

• being afraid of being alone. If you can’t hang with yourself, by yourself, then why should he?

• constantly sexually objectifying yourself when you desire a relationship (a person engaging in sex without deeper emotional/relational expectations being fulfilled), then being confused when your are constantly being sexually objectified (he only wants you for sex)

• being hostile and playing games when you aren’t treated well (unnecessary- just cut them loose)

• resorting to manipulation or bait & switch behaviors to try and win a relationship (read what women want, versus what we say and think we want)

• being obsessed with “finding a man” and attributing too much personal value into whether or not someone is in your face. Boo.

So in conclusion: Just because you are gathered doesn’t mean someone isn’t going to try to treat you like crap (See music video below). It’s real in these streets. Don’t internalize it or analyze it. In fact, just don’t put up with it. The art of being someone’s 'epic gathered creature' is to already be a gathered lady, aware of her value, open to positive dating opportunities, and completely comfortable with rejecting unsavory and ungathered behaviors.  

Now if you’re wondering, “How do I get gathered?”.... Keep reading  our posts!

- Bree & Danni

6 tips for Beautiful Summer Skin

dermatology.comHappy Hump Day, ladies! Continuing our string of summer-related beauty posts, today I put together a short list of tips for beautiful skin. Work these suggestions into your normal routine for a natural summer look.

1. Exfoliate. Whether you use a manual method, like a face scrub, or a chemical method, such as a retinol cream, exfoliating regularly is vital for beautiful skin year-round. It sloughs off dead skin cells, making your serums and moisturizers absorb better. It also provides a smooth canvas for your makeup, which can be the difference between looking natural and looking like you have a thick layer a makeup sitting on top of your skin.
2. Moisturize. Moisture solves a lot of problems. Whether your skin is dry, oily or combination, finding the right moisturizer is vital to having beautiful skin. Moisturized, balanced skin looks younger, healthier and more attractive. I know it can be tempting to skip the moisturizer in oily spots, but for me, adequately moisturizing my skin actually helped cut down my skin's oil production. Drying out your skin can cause it to produce more oil in order to compensate, while moisturizing stops this vicious cycle. To figure out what’s going on with your skin, and to get specific recommendations on the best daily moisturizer for you, try talking with a dermatologist or licensed aesthetician. My current regime is based on the advice of the woman who gave me the best facial I’ve ever had. It really helps to ask someone who knows what they’re talking about, and has been up close and personal with your skin. Mikal.Danielle
3. Protect. This is the step that prompted me to write this post in the first place. A recent study found that wearing a broad-spectrum sunscreen daily significantly slows signs of aging on your skin. How significant? Try 24 percent. 24. PERCENT. That’s huge, especially when you can pick up a bottle of sunscreen for $10 at your local drugstore. Use a sunscreen specifically made for your face up top (don’t forget your neck!), and slather a normal sunscreen on any skin not covered by your clothes. This may seem like a lot of unwarranted extra work when you aren't going to the beach, but consider this, just 15 minutes of sun exposure a day can negatively affect your skin.
4. Prime. Never skip this step if you plan on wearing makeup. The right primer can work miracles—controlling oil and cutting shine, minimizing the appearance of pores and fine lines and extending the life of your makeup.
5. Foundation. The guiding principle for summer makeup is to do as little as possible, while looking as beautiful as possible. Consider using your liquid foundation as a concealer and only spot cover imperfections like acne scars and sun spots, while leaving the rest of your face bare. Or switch to a lighter product, such as a tinted moisturizer (a lot of these also contain sunscreen) or a mineral makeup. E.L.F. has a $3 tinted moisturizer with SPF that I really love for during the summer.
6. Bronze. If you wanted a tanned summer look, you can still get it without baking in the sun for hours or (heaven forbid) sitting in a tanning booth. These methods invite all sorts of nasty things from premature aging (I like to call this the “cow-hide effect” because the skin starts to look a bit like leather) to skin cancer (scary, scary stuff). They may look awesome, but natural tans are so not worth it. So, just fake it! I like Jergens Natural Glow, which slowly builds up a natural-looking tan, but there are a ton of sunless tanners out there. Don’t forget to wash the palms of your hands after applying—tanned palms are not sexy!

Fashionista Feature: Julie

This weeks fave fashionista is Julie. She's a 27 year old Orange County girl, who works as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and spends her spare time enjoying good books, the beach, traveling, and of course shopping. Julie's style is classic, easy, and quite pretty!  Check out her interview and photos for style inspiration.

1. Describe your fashion style in 5 words. sophisticated. elegant. expensive. soft. feminine.
2. Who are your favorite style icons? Carrie from Sex & the City.
3. Finish this sentence: I can’t help but buy more shoes for my closet!
4. Most expensive item in your closet? My little sparkly Fendi clutch. It’s one of my favorite pieces.
5. Favorite stores to supply your fashion habit? Boutiques- I don’t like people having my stuff. Nordstroms. For work clothes Khol’s. Metropark. H&M for my blazers.
   
6. Worst fashion mistake you ever made. When I was in high school, I paired a green sherbet colored petal pushers with a white shell and a canary yellow sweater. Looking back it was way too colorful.
7. Secret fashion look you wish you could pull off? Florals, bold and daring fahion trends, patterned skinny jeans. Peplum tops, but i’m too hippy.
8. What traits make up a gathered lady to you? Which do you have? I think the most crucial piece  to looking like a gathered women is to combine expensive quality with cheaper pieces. Pick and choose your battles with what is the focal point to your outfit -- don't clutter your outfits. A good bag is essential, and good make-up (day time during day time, and after 5 being more bold). And my secret weapon to staying gathered is always having amazing hair. I believe in investing in excellent products, color, and cut. Gathered women should have some sophistication. I try to embody that in my style.
   
9. How do you dress your body concerns? I’m hippy, so I avoid things that hit at the hips. I wear empire waist tops and dresses. I avoid cuts like ballerina and  tennis skirts that widen the hips. I try to create a more hour-glass silhouette. Instead of drawing attention to my hips, I make the focal point my waist. Luckily I have a very small waist, so I highlight it with cute belts and cinched tops.
10. Which celebrity closet would you love to raid? Kortney Kardashian, and Jennifer Aniston’s red carpet looks.
    
11. Fun fashion fact: I'll give you three! 1. There is no walk-in closet that can hold all my clothes. 2. I can’t find any storage units that can hold all my shoes. 3. I still use a vanity to do my make-up and hair, despite being a fully grown woman.

Are you a fashionista with fabulously gathered style? Send us your pictures to thegatheredlady@gmail.com and if we like them, we'll share them! If you're really gathered, we may even feature you!

The Gathered Fashion Spread (June 1, 2013)

Happy Saturday! I'm sure you were bummed about missing our spread last week, but no worries, we have a super spread full of Memorial Weekend fashion! If you didn't know it, LA was poppin! The hiphop party of the year Grits & Biscuits came to the west coast at the House of Blues in Hollywood. Not only was it a fun night with banging music, the fashion did not fail to impress. And because the party targets college alumni, it was a mostly gathered event. Hot? Heck yes. A few technical problems? sure. Worth it? Yezzur! If you are just now hearing about this event, there's always next year. Thanks to our friends at Watermelon Democracy (yes, the same brand that made Bree's super cute Love Dont Lye tee!) we were in the loop! Check out their blog for the latest and greatest hip-hop music, news, style and assorted dope content!

As for the Grits and Biscuit fashion...check out the fashionable crowd below. We saw several styles being rocked from previous posts. Oh how we love that!

  We told you shades of emerald was the color of 2013!Again, we said leather was hot this season, and these ladies proved us right! Hot!How to rock shorts and rompers with style.Classy and sassy dresses and skirts.Trendy cut-off shorts and tribal print tops on the scene.Blazers looking gathered on women and men. Love these gathered gentlemen.Pretty girls in pops of color and statement tanks.

But the fun didn't end with Grits & Biscuits Party. Sunday kicked off the annual Jazz & Reggae Festival at UCLA  featuring one of my favorite artists Santigold and of course Common. Although there were some ungathered individuals roaming about, they were the minority! We loved all of the different casual cool styles out in the sun. Check out these hot women who made our spread! Also, major props to the gathered gentlemen who impressed us and made the cut!

 Nothing says hot summer style like cute printed sundresses and pants

 Cool summer ways to rock denim

 Fabulous printed boho skirtsFedora LoveFashion recognize fashion in friends!

Great ways to rock tanks with skirts and pantsFunky hip hop swagHow to rock a maxi! Yes!Aviator shades and cute style. Hot!Gathered groups

Do you and your friends have style when you go out and about? Submit your fierce pictures to thegatheredlady@gmail.com and you may make our weekly Gathered Fashion Spread!  

Style. You have it. We Love it.

Professional Style Inspiration for Summer!

Summer’s here and it’s getting hot! For us professionals and nine-to-fivers, what to wear to work becomes an enigma as we try to balance out sweltering heat with icy air conditioning. In today’s workplace, the game has changed for women, and so have the dress codes for the most part - more fluid, flexible, and permissive. Fashionistas can have fun with it, and still dress to impress and win that promotion or recognition that you so richly deserve. Today’s post looks at style inspiration for summer work looks and some tips to help you style your way through summer. 

The Power Player 

As a power player, you aren’t dressing for the job you want --  you’ve already arrived. Tailored lines, bold color, and rich details and accessories are the order of the day. A classic and conservative dress code can benefit from playing up the season’s hottest colors and adding textured fabrics like the jaquard in the skirt pictured above. Like most power players, your work obligations extend past the workday, so transitional pieces need to go from day to night with little more than taking off your blazer.

A tip: Carry a edgy wristlet or clutch in your tote to hold your essentials and you’re ready for the cocktail party in two shakes!

The Trendsetter  

A trendsetter is most at home in a creative industry like design, but also thrives in less strict and conservative work environments. Edgy hair and nail colors are safe here. Also, props and unconventional accent pieces make your style distinct. Another place to distinguish yourself is makeup - feel free to play up your eye or lips with color (not both... and for goodness sake, no glitter!). Because you’re never boring, replace that boring work cardigan with a leather motorcycle jacket and keep away AC frostbite.

A tip: An alternate flat shoe can save your tootsies during the day so that you can dance the night away after a full day at the office.

The Casually Chic 

A casual workplace is even more of a playground - the world is your oyster. Take risks and wear those fun patterned pants, even jeans (no rips, please). What we at TGL discourage is taking the “business casual” look to the rock bottom by wearing yoga pants, sweats, and the like. Avoid! Even in a casual work environment, a snazzy dresser has an advantage. Everyone will know your name and secretly hope that you will chose them to bless with a makeover.

A tip: bolder colors outside of the basics will look amazing and show off that sparkling personality!

In Transition

Okay, so you’re looking for a J-O-B... keep your head up! We here at TGL suggest that you give the prim and proper business sheath a try for interviews. (It works for Michelle Obama!) Update the basic black to a power blue, and you’re guaranteed to turn heads. The key here is not to overwhelm all those brains, skills, and knowledge with distracting makeup, jewelry, or hair in an interview. Remember, most hiring managers make decisions based on emotion (whether they like you and can imagine you in the workplace) and then justify that feeling with logic (your amazing resume says you have skills and education). That means that you have to display your amazing self in its best light. Confidence and poise win major points with men and women.

A tip: Interviewing and job searching is a head game. This is a case where your attitude can create opportunity out of thin air. Keep your spirits up with style inspiration! This is also an excellent time to step up your bargain shopping game if your interviewing attire needs a boost and the budget is tight.

So? How did we do? If you care to share, please do in the comments below! You can also email or facebook us to share your style, and if we like, we’ll share with the world. What are you waiting for?